What You See is Who You Are!

The illustrations shown above, by Istanbul based photographer Mike Mike, are composites of many faces of Portuguese men and women. I have posted them here to illustrate the point that we often project our own self-image on to those we love.

One of my main projects this year, about which I have not blogged before, is a book about love. I am interested in looking at the role that love plays throughout the entire human lifecycle -- from before conception until after death. My goal is to integrate the existing scientific literature on this subject (which is vast indeed) with an approach that includes the variety of ethno-historical and spiritual traditions that deal with love (an even greater body of literature). Obviously, this is a huge project -- one that will take years to complete (if I am lucky enough to complete it at all).

Today, it occurred to me that one way to make progress in this endeavor would be to use my blog as a way to capture the various little jewels of insight that come to me as I engage in this research. 

So, I thought I would start with a fascinating scientific article from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2007, Vol. 92, No. 5, 834–853) that I have been reading today titled, "Projection of Responsiveness to Needs and the Construction of Satisfying Communal Relationships." The authors of this article are Edward P. Lemay, Jr., Margaret S. Clark and Brooke C. Feeney.

This article reports on extensive research in which individuals reported on the degree to which they exhibited caring behaviors toward their partners and the degree to which they believed that their partners reciprocated. This is a core measurement -- because our entire sense of well-being is very closely related to how we perceive ourselves in caring relationships.

Common sense, based on the assumption that people are essentially realistic, would lead us to believe that there would be a high correlation the degree of caring that one perceived in one's partner and the amount of caring behavior that one's partner reported about himself or herself. 

In fact, this correlation was seen in the date -- however, it was surprisingly weak. A much stronger correlation existed between the degree of caring people perceived in themselves toward their partner and the amount of caring behavior that they perceived coming from their partner. In other words, we tend to project our own self-image on to our partners (with regard to the sense of caring and emotional support) more than we actually see our partners as they see themselves.

To me this is an astounding piece of data! It indicates that it is far easier for us to make assumptions about our partners through the lens of our own personality than it is to enter directly into the realm of their own inner experience. In so doing, we preserve our sense of emotional security (if we believe ourselves to be highly caring) or we reduce our sense of guilt (if we believe ourselves to be relatively uncaring toward our partner). So the Freudian defense mechanism of psychological projection certainly serves a function in maintaining our own emotional equilibrium.

On the other hand, think of the costs and the lost opportunities that come when two people live together on a communal basis (whether or not romance is involved) -- and fail to really appreciate each other's inner life. I find it very ironic that this should be the norm. But, perhaps, it also helps to explain the divorce rate and many other social problems we experience. 

It makes me wonder how many of us are actually using this psychological projection mechanism to protect ourselves from the experience of inner loneliness.

After all, short of telepathy, how do we really enter into the experience of another human being -- even someone with whom we are intimate? I know that long conversations can help. Shared experiences of an intense nature also can help. But, they can't take us all the way. And, as for telepathy, my best guess is that it is a natural human function available to all of us -- but it is quite delicate. A psychological defense mechanism such as projection can surely interfere with telepathy.

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