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bisexuality
August 2009 
The Paradox of Polyamory
Posted on Aug 4th, 2008
by 
Jeff Mishlove
Jeff Mishlove
No one has a clear idea of what they are entering into or what exactly to expect as they enter the constructed sacredness of marriage. The reasons why people marry vary from making public declarations of love, forming a family unit, legitimizing sexual relations and procreation, providing a means of legal social and economic stability, to providing for the education and nurturing of children. Where once the power of both state and religious institutions legitimized and regulated the institution of marriage, a shift in Western ideology and family practices, supported and challenged -- particularly via the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender movement -- allows many people today a wider range of choices of relationship recognition.
Is marriage the best form? A couple may choose some form of civil partnership recognized in law, or a religious or traditional ceremony which may or may not be recognized by civil authorities, such as a same-sex union, or polygamy. Divorce has lost its stigma in many cultures, and indeed could also be said to constitute a form of relationship. Singlehood is an increasingly common option. Relationship choices may also include multiple concurrent partners. Marriage may be a safe haven for some; it may provide mutual support, pleasure and validation. For others, however, it may be a dangerous place, in which pleasure, in some cultures particularly that of women, is silenced.[1]
One little known, and poorly understood, alternative is called "polyamory."
Polyamory and non-monogamous alternatives. Polyamory involves intimacy with multiple partners. Essentially, polyamory is about loving one's primary partner enough to love that they have a new secondary partner, even when their new relationship leaves the primary partner out. The prevalent definition of polyamory as 'responsible non-monogamy' usually goes hand in hand with a rejection of more sex- or pleasure-centred forms of non-monogamy, such as 'casual sex', 'swinging', or 'promiscuity'.[2]
Poly-hegemonic masculinities. Polyamory differs from swinging with its emphasis on long-term, emotionally intimate relationships; and from adultery with its focus on honesty and, in principle, full disclosure of the network of sexual relationships to all who participate in or are affected by them. Both men and women have access to additional partners in polyamorous relationships, distinguishing them from polygynous ones.[3]
Polyamory and gay men. An important difference between gay men and heterosexuals is that the majority of gay men in committed relationships are not monogamous. Some of these men are polyamorous. Polyamory, which literally means many loves, may better be understood as responsible nonmonogamy. Monogamy is a morally neutral subject within the gay male community. Until recently, most of the literature on gay male families and relationships has concentrated on the dyadic couple's relationship while occasionally noting that most of the men were not monogamous. Research has not yet been done to understand how frequent polyamory is among gay men, but it does exist.[4]
Group marriage. Komaja, an international spiritual community founded in 1978, is considered by some to be a successful Utopian community with a spiritual background and polyamorous focus. The concept of zajedna, Komaja's form of group marriage, was presented at the 2001 World Congress of Sexology.[5]
Pairs with spares. The paradox of polyamory is that its practitioners have optimism for humans' endless capacity to love, share, forgive, grow and explore. But that optimism seems rooted in a cynical belief that the monogamous are stuck in a myth, one that leads to cheating, unhappiness or divorce court. They believe, as do some evolutionary biologists, that most humans do not have endless capacity to be faithful to just one person.[6]
[1] Wasserman, Marlene. Is marriage the best form of relationship recognition? Sexual and Relationship Therapy. 2007, May, Vol 22(2), 157-158.
[2] Klesse, Christian. Polyamory and its 'Others': Contesting the Terms of Non-Monogamy. Sexualities. 2006, Dec, Vol 9(5), 565-583.
[3] Sheff, Elisabeth. Poly-Hegemonic Masculinities. Sexualities. 2006, Dec, Vol 9(5), 621-642.
[4] Bettinger, Michael. Polyamory and Gay Men: A Family Systems Approach. In Bigner, Jerry J. (Ed). An Introduction to GLBT Family Studies. New York: Haworth Press, 2006. Pp 161-181.
[5] Sartorius, Annina. Three and More in Love: Group Marriage or Integrating Commitment and Sexual Freedom. Journal of Bisexuality. 2004, Vol 4(3-4), 79-98.
[6] Hesse, Monica. Pairs With Spares. The Washington Post; 2008; 130(435).
Access: Public
Fascinating thoughts, Jeff. I like what you're posting and appreciate what seems to be your objectivity. That way I get to read and benefit from what you're working on.